Three year olds

I can't deny that I have found recent months particularly challenging in many ways. Not least as a parent. In my quest to find solace and to unravel the puzzle of parenting Lucy as she has begun her fourth year, I turned to the way of learning I always find most rewarding - books.

My thrifty ways lead me to the library catalogue in which I found a book entitled 'Understanding Your Three Year Old' by Judith Trowell. No other book could have sounded more appropriate.

The book is thin and doesn't really delve deep into the many issues that I wanted to read and learn about. It is largely a very superficial book which took me all of an hour to read, cover to cover, and even that was sandwiched between bits of housework and nosing out of the window at the daily goings on in our street. I had pretty much written it off as a bad lend.

It wasn't until the other morning, when I picked it up again in order to return it to the library, that I read the very last paragraph of the book. I missed it the other day, thinking it would be nothing but more surface scratching. That one paragraph has given me more solace than any other words in the book, and frankly anywhere else so far on my quest for answers. For those readers who also have small children, I felt it had to be shared...

"Conclusion:
All three year olds are endearing and exhausting. Their energy is prodigious, their needs intense, their involvement and passion are a precious gift that quickly moves on to be less intense and to be shared with others. It is important to try to free yourself and enjoy your child during this phase, knowing it will pass all too quickly. Living at such a pitch looks as though it will last forever, when each week seems such a long time; but that is an illusion and the demands of the outside world and school will come all too soon.Withstanding the battering and enjoying the good times brings rewards. There will be crises, illnesses, when it feels as though the world has collapsed or it is all too much, but then as though the sun is suddenly shining, it will all be over, forgotten, as you both move on to another new experience, the next adventure."

So I'm not just imagining things. Three year olds do come in the form of unpredictable and exhausting little beings who are capable of zapping many an unassuming parent. It's not just mine, who until now has been an angel. I am so enthralled with this passage because it acknowledges the intensity of life with a 3 year old. Nothing could be more true of Lucy in her personality and in her current stage. It's the constant question answering, nose wiping, food making, activity creating, organising, disciplining, corralling, explaining, bribing, needs meeting intensity that is parenting around the clock with a preschooler.

And I am SO delighted that the author considers it 'living at a pitch' (yes sometimes so high pitched my screams can only be heard by dolphins in the Pacific), and that wonderful phrase of hers 'withstanding the battering'. Yes! I can only describe recent weeks as a parent as feeling battered by the end of each day. Illnesses are indeed frequent (when will the running nose ever cease?!).

But those encouraging words...'you will both move on' and 'it will pass all too quickly' are music to my ears. I think what so many mothers want to hear is that every stage is a phase THAT WILL PASS. And that these experiences you are having right now are normal, yes they are unpleasant but they are normal and they will go away someday (soon we hope).

So many people say to me what a wonderful age this is. I think when someone says that to me next time I won't simply be polite and say "yes, isn't it wonderful?". I shall say "Really? Well you come and move in for the next 6 months and I'll go on holiday and leave you to it." Yes there are glimpses of fun as the moods subside, but getting to those moments sometimes take so much energy and 'battering' that I am either half asleep or miss them because I popped to the loo for two minutes. Having said that, we have had at least two days this week with little to no tantrums, dramas, uneaten meals or refusals to do anything I say which have simply wonderful. Hallelujah there is still an angel in there somewhere. Those days will help keep me going until the next ones come along :)

I realise this post is in contrast to the many happy posts describing all the lovely things that Lucy, Joe and I do together! But today I felt like I needed to get real and talk about the side of parenting that is frankly not talked about enough.....the hard work and the frantic pedaling under water that goes on, while trying to keep the swan on the surface looking graceful and perfectly at ease.

I have used a quote I heard from a friend before and it is again appropriate here - "parenting is the biggest and best kept secret". Yes before you enter into paretnhood, other parents talk about it being hard. You assume labour is painful, you imagine sleepless nights are pretty horrid and you've heard about the 'terrible twos' from books. But the reality of parenting is really much tougher than they let on and they don't tell you that actually the terrible twos are more like the terrible threes (and we parents know a 3 year old having a tantrum is much more challenging that a 2 year old having one!). They don't tell honest truth or else I am pretty sure the world would slow up on pro-creating.

Don't get me wrong, we all love our kids to the ends of the earth. But we also love it when they go to bed at the end of the day :)

I love you Lucy xxx